i booked a tour in europe… i’d been avoiding going back because my ego was afraid to return without being famous there anymore.
it was me in a way i hadn’t heard myself in a while. at the end of it all there was a record that knocked me on my ass. sleeping one eye up, we protected the flame. it was because we both really wanted to make something great so we had our knives out and never put them away. it’s dark and cold and those two things have a deliberate effect on your focus and inward communication. winter in montreal is a great place for hunkering down and getting to it. i reached out to murray lightburn, legendary frontman from ‘the dears’ to help me make a record and he agreed. the dears ‘end of a hollywood bedtime story’ was a pivotal record for me that stirred thoughts of a sweaty, undulating sexual city heaving in summer. I’d always envied the montreal scene from afar. of course i was 18 and had never been anywhere, but montreal seemed like another planet for a kid who’d grown up in rural ontario. a city older than any i’d ever seen and effortlessly beautiful. i remember driving along sherbrooke in my parent’s toyota in awe of this strange glowing universe growing up from the ground. a city that had beguiled me since my first time there helping a high school girlfriend move to mcgill. so i closed down that idyllic little refuge in the woods in favour of energy and work. even when my rational mind shouted for everything’s futility, the euphoria of connection and wonder in music never ever ceased. what was it i loved? what was it that i was good at… even meant to do? i woke up in my country hideout feeling like i was checking out too early, doubling down on darkness instead of clinging to that sliver of light. it was time to reevaluate what i was clinging to.
some long nurtured fears become more and more absurd to water and carry. but it started to feel like a hole being dug deep into cold, hard earth.
i was, if i’m being honest with myself, hiding out. i’ve always struggled with a grim estimation of things. it was a pretty big change from the 5 years in the country, a place i thought that i’d likely moved for good.
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